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Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
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7:59 pm - yay!
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i'm significantly less broke.
will begin the stalkings soon.
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| Monday, March 24th, 2008
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3:27 pm - mini art rant
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So either I've become poisoned by my bitterness over my seeming inabilities....
OR
I just have NO desire to take part in some egotistical art circle jerk.
I'd rather be creating.
Yeah, I've been toying with the idea of art school for the purposes of stealing supplies, but I'm not sure if I'm out of the woods postal-wise. Beh.
all numbers can be sent to sectsandviolence@gmail.com
current mood: beh
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| Thursday, March 20th, 2008
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10:58 pm - people should
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| Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
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8:54 pm - stirrrrr crrrrrraaaaaazzzzzzy
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so getting things back on track is imminent, which pleases me, but makes the walls close in That much faster...I am not a patient person.
OH MY FUCKING GOD AM I GOING TO DO FUN THINGS
aaaaaaah!
things have been relatively happy all things considered...
he...has...the...most...beautiful...brown....eyes...........
current mood: filled with food
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| Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
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2:13 pm - it always gets worse
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haven't got much internet access lately (at a friend's now)...
haven't got much money...
haven't got a car that's legally drivable...
haven't gotten laid in days...
etc.
and I'm a gimp.
I'm stir crazy, bored, and can't wait for things to get back on track.
current mood: bleh
current music: front line assembly
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| Monday, August 27th, 2007
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3:25 pm - After a long trip, I have no idea what to do with myself.
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And I didn't even get to suffer on a beach, so maybe I will do that.
And yeah, I've been too lazy to update this thing. I should do that, but yeah. Lazy.
I miss and love you all.
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| Wednesday, July 4th, 2007
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2:19 pm - I have keys!
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And now today, among the other mundane tasks of life, I may attend to the little work space G and I have rented...but what to move in? I'll need help to move in a spare desk from home; but otherwise I can manage everything else(the ten tons of art supplies I have scattered about). I need to do some thrift store shopping once I have some moneys to spare, for the decoratings and ways of hanging art-things up on the walls, both supplies and creations.
Imagine! Scouting out stores of the lowbred classes and other ilk in persuit of good taste but it is something completely possible! Doilies to clean my brushes on! "Crystal" glasses for water! Bookshelves to be painted and filled with sketchbooks, sheets to tack to the walls to hide the white plaster! Vases for flower arrangements on the two bright windows! All the things conducive to creating a comfortable workspace free of cat hair and where I can let myself try new things regardless of space limitations. (Though my house may be large, YOU try finding space on a single desk, counter, or table....organization is not yet one of my strong points...just getting the ten tons of supplies out of my room will put a huge dent in the clutter).
And yesterday I met the other new tenant who rents the space across from my door. She's a marvelous woman and an established watercolorist...and she also works with ink! I had had some degree of fear that my pennings would not be taken very seriously, but that anxiety was apparently unjustified. She is also putting together a quartet of christmas carollers for this winter, and thus I hope the purity of my soprano can be improved upon. I can still hit the notes, which is fine for pop music...but to sing madrigals and traditional tunes? Let's just say it's been years since I've held the melody for a choir much less rose to the challenge of harmonizing with a small group. I'll need the sheet music as soon as possible to see if I can lend my voice to this.
And the fattest groundhog in the World is getting a bit too close to my irisii for comfort...do they even Eat iris? Cute fat furry bastard.
So I am off to pack up art stuff, get mail, and unpack art stuff while I yell at an investment firm WHO NEEDS TO GIMME MAH MONEY so I can do things like go do fun things like not be broke, attend concerts, get tickets for the Libertine Ball, and purchase mah high wheel bicycle, as well as more mundane things like fixing the lack of doors in my house problem and bringing a property I own up to code to sell. The grown up stuff tends to take longer than kid stuff which can be daunting at times. Ah well.
Ta.
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| Monday, May 28th, 2007
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5:47 pm - Current Status
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Current Status.
Current mood: rereading Social Entymology by G and being discusted by people who always have an excuse for not excelling.
- Plagiarism (my book of autobiographical prose) - work in progress to preserve my sanity by regaining my insanity.
-Damaged Bravado Macho (the industrial cover project)- in studio. I hate cover bands, but I hate songwriting even more. I'm making up for this with orchestration.
-Pink Plastic Poodles with Uzis (happy psycho rock cover project)- devoured by DBM.
-Rape Builds Character (my book of pedophilia and misogeny)- undergoing revision/ illustration.
-Diners of NJ (book that might acually be published)- on hold for funding and time.
-All films- on hold until I have an attention span long enough to work on them.
-College- I'm back in classes as of last week.
-Tour followings- um...fuck sitting in the sun and heat for 12 hours to get an unpadded spot at rail in unventilated venues for 6 to 8 hours . I'll go to like 2 or 3 shows, and we'll see what's going on the fall if anything.
-Estate- my number one priority to secure future uselessness and the liberty to do all of the above. I've never had to work so hard for money in my Life. Jesus. Yet I don't exactly miss odd jobs and minimum wage, even though one could argue that I was less broke then. A fist for the face of those who have some weird idea that because I'm able to set my own hours and Scrape together the time and energy to go above and beyond and still have fun I must be some sort of trust fund kid who doesn't have a "real" job. This is as real as it gets. See these? ::wiggles fingers and toes:: they're ALL in the middle....
So, um...yeah. I'm going over here now to seduce a highschool senior with bodacious ta-tas. Because I can.
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| Monday, May 14th, 2007
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11:07 pm - busy busy busy
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I've been writing again a bit, as well as many other undertakings, but most of which leave me awake during the day and without the gumption to feel like sharing.
Update type Tid-Bits of Delight:
-my loins rescind slowly back to the state of virginity after a bit of a fiasco involving Self Respect Vs. A Refusal of Reciprocity. Self Respect won in a landslide victory.
-i've discovered yet again that I live much richer when my wallet is thinner. One can never be too rich or too thin...as the saying goes; but I always thought thin referred to something else.
-it's only a matter of time now until my ship comes in, yet I am neither idle nor patient. Although I may be a mental patient by the time it gets here.
-depending upon the above, I may be travelling again this summer and fall...despite how dreadful i find summer travel to be, and even more to my chagrin: my preparations of wardrobe have been all for fall/winter.... And now I may have to sew up something khaki, as I am NOT going to concerts in AUGUST in Full Fucking Regalia in black, emerald green, and or burgundy.
-a few days ago I fell ten feet from a precipice, and not only survived, but I am miraculously without injury or even bruise! (and I am the type to bruise if one Looks at me with intent)
So. Yeah. Someone marvelous is beckoning me from across the country to speak with him, and so I go do that now.
current mood: pristine as driven snow
current music: millions of frogs.
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| Thursday, April 26th, 2007
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6:08 am - thoughts on backwoods living
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thoughts on backwoods living.
You want to know what things will look like 50 years after civilization falls? Come over.
The worst part of cleaning up things with intensive physical labor and my army of guerrilla fighters is that ...I actually don't Want it to look "nice" here.
I think i'm more or less cleaning things up to the point where I can actually subsist in harmony with the brambles and rusty nails. And of course have the ability to readily have fun.
To clean up enough of the junk in as much the same places as possible so that I can bushhog my "lawn". As I said today...as I weedwacked with a manual/ non gas powered golf club reminiscent implement of blackberry destruction.."Well...how do YOU mow Your Lawn???".
And I want to be able to walk barefoot in thunderstorms.
So now I must amass a legion of liquor bottles to throw onto the dirt patch in front of my porch to complete the collage of cigarette butts and shell casings. Combined with the massive out of context quotes from Revelation that will be painted on large plywood sheets and placed along the 3/4th of a mile long driveway, I think it will help scare tresspassers. Human scarecrows!
And the next big project is to put up a solid dog fence involving solid 3" diameter metal posts, concrete and 150lb a pop metal fence panels to keep in the attack dogs and prevent the maraudings of my canine companions of former years. "Bears in Southern NJ?" was something like the headline in the newspaper. I'll probably foster a couple from the shelter...I'm not sure if i can afford to commit to the care of Bouviers again just yet...sigh.
And No. I really don't want to find out just yet whether the mossberg can dislocate my right shoulder just yet. For all my having hot sex with them, I haven't even felt the need to shoot a firearm since like 2002 or whenever ago, and i'll take my babysteps with the .22 for now. Babysteps. Goo Goo. ::puts finger down diaper then sniffs it curiously::
Furthermore, the NJ division of taxation are blood suckers. (in a not nice, not kinky, not amazingly voraciously hot way). This is the reason why I am focussing on my house projects this week that don't take nearly as much money as the much more high priority things that have been stressing me the fuck out. Next week shall surely be better in the financial quadrant. And it better be, before I am exhausted. Must...keep...momentum.
Yes. I've been awake since 8 am. Yes, I am freaking out from too much caffiene to keep the pain at bay. Yes, you've got my attention. Yes, you're going to have to fucking wait. Yes, I love you.
So I rest now, spend umm...it's today now...so when I wake up today I will spend today at a desk with two phones and the internet hunting down various humans that doth need to service me as they are by all ways and means in my employ if one really thinks about it. GIVE ME WHAT IS MINE you cocksuckers. GIMME. Oh you just GIVE ME a reason to vent my testosterone filled mentrual rage of happy cuddlesome wonderment when I am placated by the results I seek.
"I will not stop until I recieve the answers I crave. "
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
I sleep now. And bleed. And sleep. And bleed. And rock back and forth in a hot sweat whilst gripping several packs of cigarettes and my zippo for protection against all BEH.
And You Love It.
current mood: Bloody Fuck Monkey
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4:48 am - fishy fishy fishy fish.
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Shadfest is apparently a festival of sorts dedicated to the many ways of cooking a very delishious type o fish that I like. An older gentleman (dirty old man) told me of this event, and I haven't had it since I was a kid for like...easter dinner. I thought the idea of a festival dedicated to a fish was kooky, and in this pretty cool town that I've been looking for an excuse to explore, since usually if I am going to drive that far, it is to walk around new hope getting pissed off at artists that make more money than me, yet produce crap, then I shop, then I eat at some four star restaurant and get my snob on.
Since money is tight for the month, the four star and shopping parts are out of the question, but I am hoping for many free samples, plus taking a slow leisurely stroll with cool peoples who are good conversationalists.
So yeah.
Shad Festival.
It also amuses me to no end that while I make plans to do edgy and cool things like plan for otakun (can't spell for crap) and to follow a rock band around the country, I shall also go to a festival dedicated to a fucking local PA associated FISH...pretty much for the same reasons. "sounds like a good time to be had" is what it boils down to.
That and I'm most sure of my madness at this point.
FISH! (insert several different words for fish in many languages here).
hehehehe I actually talked the steve into going too for definate.
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| Tuesday, April 24th, 2007
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3:17 am
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This Should Be Ours.
See this world? Everything in it? You do? Really?
Ours.
WHAT IS STOPPING YOU???
Potential? What's That? Seriously. HA.
A battle cry from the lips of tiny russian children, to picking up an old friend from some long hidden place. I simply wont have resentment. I will move forward with the pull of my own momentum...as far as the wave will take me...never mind when it crashes on the rocks...maybe this time I will reach a shore... And I will do Whatever it Takes to reach liberty and to preserve it.
Some will find a balance. Some will be cast off. Some will grow with us. Some will acheive the actualization they so desperately need. We will just have to see. Let's see how fast this thing can go...
The unstoppable frieght train of life. The fount that separates those who are afraid to heal from those who will use it to grow. The men from the boys. The libertines from the perverts.
"Buy the ticket, take the ride."
And remember,
"Cold Steel Feels No Pain"
"Thems' That Dies are the Lucky Ones, Mate."
"till I'm screaming for more"
I've grabbed the hands at the rally point. Let's see who doesn't slip. Let's go. I'm leaving.
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Translation: I'm busy. I'll call when I call. I have too much energy not to invest it wisely. Don't take this personally. This is about Me. Me Time. Now. I need it. Mine. I'll be in touch. Havi ng Creative Moments of Joy...and we all know how feisty I can be when I don't get my inspirations out. Yeap...i still got it. I will probably not require too much patience.
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Note to my livejournal peoples:
We'll see about this weekend. I'm going to ShadFest in Lambertville, NJ (across the river from New Hope)this saturday with G and this awesome guy Ed. mmm shad.
anyone care to come? we can be malleable with transportation.
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| Thursday, April 19th, 2007
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4:41 am - MegaBitch: A Series of Drama Snapshots.
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This drama snapshot has all been mangled to nearly the point of fiction (nearly!) by editting(ommissions). Wheee!
An IM(a long story short, I know I've left a lot out):
[02:10] SectsAndViolence: She's incredibly manipulative.
[02:10] Brina Therapy-: Ah. Thats the worry?
[02:11] SectsAndViolence: I don't even want a hint of her in my life.
[02:11] SectsAndViolence: She seems intent on worming her way back in.
[02:14] SectsAndViolence: She MAJORLY fucked up my life for a long time.
[02:15] SectsAndViolence: I'm not in danger of That happening again, but still....I don't want her in my life at ALL.
[02:15] -Brina Therapy-: I'm getting the part about what she did to your friend, but not clear on what she did to you?
[02:19] SectsAndViolence: I befriended her not much more than a month before my mom died, and I let her into my group of friends. She had a penchant for "putting me in my place"...but I overlooked it because I had a lot going on in life. Then when my mom died, not too days later, she went after the blossoming love interest I had (who I am now soooo glad I didn't fuck) ..minutes after telling me that we would be good together and reassuring me that it would be good for me to be with someone through my mourning..
[02:20] Brina Therapy: So why were you entirely cool with her when I was there then?
(I didn't see this question since I was busy typing it all out, but I'll address it now:Many reasons. I was a bit too busy grieving to care about having a penis possibly in my vagina. Plus, i tend to take it for granted that women are backstabbing cunts when it comes to men. That, and it is really hard to warrent my outright hatred. A lot more than cock. It takes Everything she did reaching Threshold, especially one thing in particular that was worse than everything else combined...read on.)
[02:20] SectsAndViolence: I pawned a lot of that off on stress, but it turned out that while she was "helping " G deal with my mom's death, she was poisoning his ear against me, saying horrible things to make him spazz on me, which he did.
[02:20] SectsAndViolence: G and I had many months of nonfriendship over it.
[02:21] SectsAndViolence: She then went about for months (while still being my "friend") poisoning the ears of all my friends who were kinda weird around me cause of my momdead situation, so I was left with only her to lean on.
[02:21] SectsAndViolence: She used this to berate every tiny thing about me until I had the self esteem of a slug.
[02:22] SectsAndViolence: Then...hurricane katrina forced G to move to NJ, and we got to reconcile face to face, and the truth about her really came out.
[02:22] SectsAndViolence: I dropped her without even a good bye.
[02:24] SectsAndViolence: A year and a half later, she started dating one of my best friends, TheDestroyer, who I hadn't reconciled with yet. He slowly came to realize her ways, and through other events, he and some other people and I started hanging out again. I got all my friends back, and we're.. closer than we ever were is a pretty Huge understatement.
[02:25] SectsAndViolence: And that brings us to the resurfacing of the MegaBitch.
[02:26] Brina Therapy: Hmm, so she's that desperate for attention, just liek the Ninja Weasel.. new plan. .I want them both up here, and I need some barbed wire
[02:26] SectsAndViolence: I say she's stalkerish because apparently she tried her damnedest to keep tabs on me through --------. ((actually, a few people))
[02:26] Brina Therapy: time for a fight to the death for attention!
[02:26] SectsAndViolence: LoL
[02:26] SectsAndViolence: aw man, I accidentally x'd out of the window.
[02:27] SectsAndViolence: I was going to copy past the IM so I wouldn't have to write out the story ever again.
[02:27] Brina Therapy: Heh
Half an IM to brother:
SectsAndViolence [3:25 A.M.]: and if she comes around and says anything nasty about her intentions with you, I'll let you know. Even though that might not come up. I have no intention of seeking her out...
SectsAndViolence [3:26 A.M.]: then I'll let you know that too..LoL
SectsAndViolence [3:27 A.M.]: as long as she isn't directly trying to bullshit me.
SectsAndViolence [3:27 A.M.]: it can be hard, but i'll try my best.
SectsAndViolence [3:28 A.M.]: remember, she was making it sound almost as if you guys spoke every other night about plans she hadn't really discussed seriously with you yet...
SectsAndViolence [3:28 A.M.]: she isn't very sincere to me, especially when she may have reason to get one over on me.
SectsAndViolence [3:29 A.M.]: I don't even know if this is all about me so much as The Destroyer...since she is now on the outs with him (which I had nothing at all to do with)..she may just trying to distract me from him.
SectsAndViolence [3:30 A.M.]: She bullshitted to me about something about him, which would have made him look really bad to me had I not known differently.
My Brother [3:30 A.M.]: Do you want him?
SectsAndViolence [3:31 A.M.]: The Destroyer? No. we're just close friends since HS.
SectsAndViolence [3:32 A.M.]: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------lol...and that's not so much a warning about her as Any girl.
SectsAndViolence [3:33 A.M.]: hehehehe
SectsAndViolence [3:33 A.M.]: you handsome devil you
.SectsAndViolence [3:41 A.M.]: I'm just worried about The Destroyer...he has a lot of problems right now, he doesn't need the stalking. I hope she stays away.
SectsAndViolence [3:42 A.M.]: you can, but only by --------------------------------------------------------, which may not be a good idea.
SectsAndViolence [3:42 A.M.]: You should wait and get to know her and see.
SectsAndViolence [3:43 A.M.]: but you know, I cannot encourage such horrible things.
SectsAndViolence [3:44 A.M.]: besides, it would just give her motive to come after Me.
SectsAndViolence [3:44 A.M.]: she might be crazy (or smart) enough to think that I might have had a hand in --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.
SectsAndViolence [3:45 A.M.]: that's terrible. And as a girl --------------------------------------------------, I can hardly condone such things, not even to someone I don't completely hate.
SectsAndViolence [3:47 A.M.]: The best course is for you to just get to know her on your own terms, and if you Do like her, go for it, if you don't ...don't. All I ask is that I can trust you not to speak anything of me to her.
SectsAndViolence [3:48 A.M.]: Even though I know you are more than capable of such affairs. Which is why I adore you.
SectsAndViolence [3:52 A.M.]: Like a zombie. BRAAAAAAAAINNNNNNNNNNS!
(( "You stole my friend away from ME, so I will steal Your Friend away from YOU" ))
An email to brina therapy:
The talk with my brother went well. I feel confident I can trust my brother, at least because of what you and I know about his ways towards womens..that handsome devil..., and well, a lot of things can happen between now and july, so who knows? I'm pretty sure she's more than using this to get to me, but to distract me from helping the friend of mine(TheDestroyer) she has her sights on to make miserable with her stalkings. We're fashioning with little effort to erradicate any way past our defenses on that Front, mostly by favorable circumstances, so if this is her aim, it shall not succeed.
We also have a feeling the megabitch will be setting up some drama on the brina's cuddly love-affair Front, mostly likely in a series of blitzkrieg attacks in where she will orchestrate Him choosing between me and his friends. I've already begun fortifying those walls, and before this was even an issue, I made a point of not being anywhere between him and his friends. In fact, I have brought him More friends, and More time with them. I don't know what she's up to, but our spies tell us something is up.
Current Brina Commentary:
I'm passing time until the sun is up so I can Do much more important things, then hopefully get a nap before I am beckoned by the BearWumpusManCreature. Sleep? what is Sleep? hahaha. I'm actually getting a lot of good sleep lately, and all the vitamins and minerals an alert and happy brina needs. And I have inspiration for several more works of creative writings, and may or may not get to engage in them today as it will be dawn soon enough, then soon enough for business time. Must...clean...more...::bounces::
I have to move my sleeping scedule around a bit, which makes some of the things I want to do in my social life (non drama) like bringing around a friend who I just found out would love to hang out with us, and getting in touch with people's ever changing scedules (including mine) for when we are all going to hang out again. Albeit, the space and rest is nice, but still. All work and no fun make brina go something something.
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| Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
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4:25 am - Hell and High Water.
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And everything was going so well...
And then it is One thing After another.
And then, there is the breaking point. The point where the screaming and punching walls starts...this massive orgasmic release that scares small children and grown men for miles around. I didn't know my voice could Reach That Octave.
Two screaming fits over Two entirely separate issues, neither of which I much feel like discussing, well, at least on for right now. Wait until i am more calm and I have separated the causes of my anxieties.
If I felt like harnessing these things into horrifically bloody brina style super rants that would amaze even myself for just the literary devices alone, I'd probably have titles like "Because I have a VAGINA" (even though I already have a really awesome peice planned titled that which doesn't have much to do with This issue..), "I fucking hate the WEATHER" (which would be as boring as it sounds but is a SERIOUS PROBLEM FOR ME RIGHT NOW, and why I am probably stressed to the limit of being able to deal rationally with the REST of my life) and "I wish this was Texas" (even though I'm really glad it isn't cause I'm a pansy deep down).
So instead I devoured an entire pint of chunky monkey.
And I think about something that makes me giggle instead:
You know all those women out there who complain about how the guy in their life can never read their mind? Never knows what they need? I found one that does. He knows. Even after he's been burnt by a forest fire...he may flinch at a match, but he Knows how to treat a brina, after all, I just had to let him. Problem is, I burn hotter than a forest fire, and even though with the way he is, he is immune to my fire, i don't want him to flinch away. But maybe he knows This too. At least...he's learning...and I'm learning.... and at least, this is the least of my anxieties.
And...screaming of one kind or the other...a release...is better in private than being pent up into irrational behavior publicly.
I've found my voice, I'm no longer choked...
And in a literal sense, I probably need a lot more physical exercise. I'm going stir crazy. Bouncing around all over the place with happiness, hurting my knuckles out of frustration.....if I was not getting therapy from friends and another kind of therapy from mmmm......
(returns to the screen a few minutes later)
I'd probably be drinking right now. But I'm not. I'm going to bed.
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| Thursday, April 12th, 2007
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4:30 am - a free t-shirt, chocolate, and anal sex
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Snap shot:
a large snoring bearlike creature what makes me feel splendid lays prostrate on my floor on a spare mattress I dug out of the sleeper sofa I intend on throwing out (it stinks of feet from an ex roommate whose name has been stricken from the obelisk...only fitting that the bearlike creature is his former best friend. Ha. The mattress was saved from the stench, thankfully.)
I sit in my favorite and pink chair indian style in my still white "I'm in love with a stripper" t shirt I received for free as part of a two for one couch dance promotion the other night at Gold Club in DE, where apparently they DO maul the patrons to make up for being forced by law to wear pasties. One bit my nipples through my shirt and undid my garters with HER TEETH. And that one wasn't even the one i had a private dance with! That one gave me a super hot "I'm straight but you're sexy" dance. Good times.
Various candy wrappers cover my desk, victims of some horrible crime against nature where I have raped them with my mouth, to the terrifying chagrin of my teeth. Hiding amidst them are the trembling virgins to my wrath who have yet to elude my wandering fingers and post anal sex appetite for cadbury cream eggs and truffles.
The sweet bear like critter snores on in the satisfying refreshing sleep what was promised him much earlier in the evening. This sweet boyish innocent (at first glance) mound of extraordinarily thick braun and the voracity of the grizzly is for now, at peace, and all is well with the world.
The Brina, on the other hand, types furiously away at the keys, otherwise content, but for one very important factor. The Brina is not completely finished until she has her Final Climax, a curse of being multiorgasmic, she supposes, and forgot during the extreme joy of how FUCKING amazing he was while in her ass, to save some energy for a later vaginal entry. So though the brina rejoices in not being disapointed on this the first occasion granted to find out if he knows what he is doing back there, she is quite upset with herself for the long wait until the bear recovers and wakes up from his hibernations.
Back Ground:
The Brina: wakes from her depressive amnesia filled state of dreadful numbness and removes significantly negative things from her life(such as some of her cynicism and LJ). She, in a whirlwind of self improvement and a feeling akin to breathing in fresh cool mountain air, realizes that not only does she need to be fucked, but that she has had feelings for this person who has been right under her nose and interested in her for a long time. She pounces. Drama ensues, but in the end, her confidense wins out Supreme over her insecurities, and she is Victorious.
The Bear: An incredibly sociable animal, he seems "not her type" to anyone but The Brina. At first glance through his dress and general demeanor, he is easily mistaken for the genus "peoples"* but has none of the markings of that type. The spark in his eye that his intelligence shines through, his tact and yet frank honesty combined with his love of making people happy through entertaining them with long stories with no real point and simple catch phrases have made him joyous company for The Brina, who adores such things. He demands nothing from those around him except UTTER acceptance of who he is, to not interrupt him, to obey his simple and nonintrusive/nonpainful demands, and for those around him to be made happy. This doth excite the Equally forceful ego of the Brina, whose narcissism throws ideas like "compatability" to the wind...though somehow the personalities between the two do not conflict too much.
The Brina also finds his light narcolepsy to be exquisitely adorable, and loves the bear's cuddly nature.
The past:
It was not uncommon to find the bear passed out asleep on Top of the Brina at parties at what was refered to as the TreeHouse, where the partygoers would have a penchant for putting objects and body parts close to the bear for him to grab with some strange telepathic instinctual reflex while being completely asleep. Grab and then Not Let Go, which is how the Brina would end up being under the bear in the first place, usually.
The present:
I think I already covered that.
The future:
I have No fucking idea. But hey, it's worth it. It'll probably be like this video you should search for on one of those internet video sites. It's entitled "Rebecca" so search for that. You'll know if you have the correct one if it has dialogue in it like:
"Hey buddy? So how's your mom doing? ...So...did you put it in her last night?"
"I'm going to touch you now..."..."You may..."
and
"I never loved Either of You!"
Yeah. So do that. You doin' that?
Good.
Goode.
And now that my ovaries have returned to a nice pale pink from the horrible blue color they were left in, I may now relax in the state of Bliss.
* definition later, too busy with Bliss.
current mood: orgasm limbo
current music: rumbling grizzly noises
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| Wednesday, April 11th, 2007
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1:54 am - No, still not dead.
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So where have I been? Haven't really gone anywhere.
What have I been up to? Extreme blankness that I've only recently awakened from.
What am I going to do about it? Have a fucking blast.
I miss playing with kids my own age. Truly.
So what's new?
I can't seem to have a conventional relationship to save my life.
What else?
I am so fucking sore right now yet still want more.
Do you love it?
Of fucking course you do.
current mood: fantastic
current music: NIN throw this away
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| Friday, June 2nd, 2006
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3:29 am - Sex Addiction Quizzes!
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Thursday 01/06/2006
Sex Addiction Quizzes!
Current mood: down.
Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from those important to you?No.
Do you lead a double life? Yeah but not sexually.
Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose? No.
Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media? Oh yeah.
Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your relationships or are preventing you from facing problems? Sometimes.
Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex? No.
Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter? No.
Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships? No.
Do you fear that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual? Most of the time, and it isn't fear.
Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive patterns which prompted you to leave the last relationship? No. I get all new destruction.
Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief? Variety yes, but i still enjoy the classics, so No. Frequency? No.
Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex with minors, indecent phone calls, etc.? Never arrested and Yes, Yes, No, Yes, No.
Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with your spiritual beliefs or development? No.
Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence? As minimally as possible. And I don't think this question means fun kinds of violence, like roughness and control games.
Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless, alienated from others, or suicidal? No, Yes, No.
12 Questions http://saa-recovery.org/12ques.htm
1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent? No, Yes.
2. Do you regularly purchase romance novels or sexually explicit magazines? How often is regularly? Maybe once every six months.
3. Have you stayed in a romantic relationship after it became emotionally or physically abusive? Yes. No.
4. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts or romantic daydreams?Yes, Sometimes.
5. Do you feel that your sexual behavior is normal? There is no such thing as normal.
6. Does your spouse (or significant other(s)) ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior? Yes. Stop crying.....
7. Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate? No.
8. Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?No.
9. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family? No.
10. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like? No.
11. Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities? Ha. No. I've been worried about people getting the wrong idea about them though.
12. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior? I hope not. I try to make sure they are on the same page as I am.
13. Have you ever participated in a sexual activity in exchange for money or gifts? Once. $500 blowjob for ten minutes.
14. Do you have times when you act out sexually followed by periods of celibacy (no sex at all)? Yes.
15. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed? No. When I decide I don't like a certain sexual lifestyle or activity, i just change or stop doing it.
16. Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others? It's my business, I'll choose what I'll say about it and to whom. I wish others would have as much consideration.
17. Do you find yourself having multiple romantic relationships at the same time? I find myself having complex relationships at the same time, but usually if not always there is only one romantic or sexual one at a time.
18. Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior? In a good way.
19. Have sex or romantic fantasies been a way for you to escape your problems? My problem of desire. That's it. So no.
20. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards? No.
21. Do you regularly engage in sado-masochistic behavior? Yes!
22. Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life? No.
23. Have you been sexual with minors? Yes.
24. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire or fantasies of romance? On certain days of the month, look Out!
25. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are? See above.
http://www.sash.net/general/addict_womens_test.aspx
I got tired of the normal BS quizzes. Feel free to fill out on yer own if you like in a comment.
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| Thursday, June 1st, 2006
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8:39 am - Predator.
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Thursday 01/06/2006
too much coffee
Current mood: LMFAO
The Vox Humanus [8:29 A.M.]: Your urine could fuel all of jersey
5:27 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Predatory Instinct Part .000001
Current mood: cradle
And just when I thought that maybe just maybe i wasn't such a carnivorous beast after all. Then I have to prove myself wrong by accident. You see, perhaps it's a matter of complexity, and perhaps it is a matter of mood arranged by chemical stimulation created by my central nervous system, or Perhaps it is a matter of challenge. The real challenge here is not the result i feared I was looking for, so perhaps it is fortunate for all involved that the direction I assumed I was heading in is untrue. My predatory instincts have in some surprising irony saved you from me. How amusing. Theory tested and found to be without immediate fault. It sounds so cold like a scientific experiment, but trust me to say that it is not without balance. I run hot and deep. A volcanic still stream of thoughts with ice on the surface. A drifting of ash drifts covering my tracks and can easily be confused with snow.
Every Last One....
So pardon me if i refrain from a rape of tongue, finger, or cunt. I have too much fun making love to your mind. Stroking your ego. Although fun is not precisely the word I mean, for I feel so warm and more myself lately than usual. I don't know how much credit for that is yours to take, but you may take more than a small percentage the more interaction...Real interaction by the meeting of true minds coupled with actions that involve fingers and tongues in ways that do not involve forcible on one part and giving in with a tainted sigh on the other's. I've suspected for a long time the best course of action for myself to take, and now that I am so sure, I remember a basic tenet of a long held aphorism of mine (although I am sure it has been stated elsewhere).
I will share it with you.
"One must be able to say the word "I" before they can say "I Love You""
And also realize that for one to feel such displeasure for something it is usually caused by the opposite, the strongest hatred is so close to the strongest love. Spectrum. I know this is cliche, but one can never be sure what another knows. Remember this when I seem particularly negative about things whatever they may be at times.
And also know that there is a great frustration within me to express myself as completely as I would like. Caged, strangled. I've lost my voice, if i ever had a strong voice to begin with. Let's just say that Marilyn Vos Savant is a fucking moron, but at least she can survive in a multitude of conditions, unrestrained by a weight on her tongue and drool pouring from a slackened jaw from constantly fighting the compulsions or various sorts. Some people are considered medical miracles for surviving things that they should by all medical science Not have. They are not miracles. Study probability and synchronicity. Even highly unlikely events are possible and happen more than we would ever like to think about. In an infinite universe there are infinite possibilities. And according to murphy's law, I haven't been locked away in an asylum yet. I am shit, and I happen.
We are losing our grip. But we've been here before. We'll get it back. Oh, not you. I'll just call it arthtitis and we will all sleep better at night.
"Oh god,...it's worse than I thought:" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAA
Tangents feed on eachother and make puppies and lies. So yes. Back to you. Something has to change. Some addictions need to be broken. Some inactivity needs to be destroyed. I need to find my voice, and maybe you can see how it is done. Maybe that is what was meant. "Listen".
"THERE IS NO YOU, THERE IS ONLY ME"
Requerda me.
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8:38 am - dead liars
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Monday 29/05/2006
Descartes is a LIAR. a dead liar.
Current mood: omni
The 132nd word of Descartes' main cliche proposition within reductionism.
Zero.
Your jingoism in my brain, jerrymandering between my thighs. The old blood on my cracked feet, all the way up to my leeches. Your wasp's stings leave railroad tracks. Do you remember where the walls fell? The bite marks on your chin that only I still see? Teeth fallen to the floor- the chessboard we go everywhere betwixt. Like the cats that fix stares on the mayflies.
Lingual~fascists us all. Neatly placing your semiotics within me is nearly a fair trade. Patiently waiting to grow tired. Mountain Uncouth. Disconnected modems and Edgar Allen. I've done a lot more for less than your drive by a-go-go. Semi-automatic superstar. I'm gonna cut down them choke cherry trees as soon as I get a workin' chainsaw, Baby. I'd pull the rabbit out of your hat, but I'm unsafe. It even says so on my label, Right under Gentle Cycle or Hand Wash Cold. But that's where you and I differ.
"I have a sneaking suspicion you will never understand"
"Tis all in peices.
All coherance gone"
Surely you have the stamena. With shuddering filaments you take things lightly. WIth stylus and stigmas give and ye shall recieve. So many smashed eggs litter this floor like broken mirrors. Have you forgotten how honey suckle paints the air? I dreampt you held a blade to my throat. In anther time and/or place I could have sworn it a pretty pistil. Stolen c(h)ords. Leaf.
orchidstration.
Broken, then spayed.
Resinance. Tuning Fork Penetration.
The White Keys. Machete Overdose.
Alternate Reality. My piety broke my knees...
This transmission has been taken under from the Corporeal Celebrity. There are no such things as typos. Interexcepted. Accepted as fact, JACK.
I'm learning to swim.
"Everybody really doesn't feel okay..."
Brought to you by the numbers 8 and 10.
And if cliches are as good as dreams, are parts then worthy of consideration? Which parts are of what service? Which parts of you and which parts of me? Or is this just another cop out? On my part or yours? You say to me in whispers or thoughts or smells, "know that, I will, degrade you". But what scares you is that I can wash more than your load of dishes. Or she can. I never properly introduced myselves. What do you think my bravado is hiding anyway? It's more painful than you know when I know more than you know that I know that you know that I know, and I still am impotent to affectionate anything. There is little limit to this. I cannot ask you to jump into any void but your own. I wouldn't ...if I didn't...what this.....I wouldn't ...if i was...around your....I...your....attempts.... Vanity...I...how you...know that I know that you aren't....or...or otherwise..............mauled.
The worst thing you can do is nothing at all. Nothing is impossible. nothing Is impossible. nothing is Impossible.
"you're too complicated" HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
slip your hand in that loop, and see what happens. I DARE you.
2:26 AM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
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8:37 am - ...
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Thursday 25/05/2006
...
Current mood: cryptic
I can no longer allow the deception to continue. The omissions. But this idea may change by dawn. I am aware of far more than you know. And the things that you think bother me don't factor in much at all. If i opened up to you, would you hold some trust in me? Would you even listen at all? Or would it continue to filter through the syphon of bullshit in your head? The walls you've built to protect yourself. Is that what scares you? Would i scare you so much if i fell prostrate before you and showed you my vulnerability? Ah, no, I feel that no matter what I did, it would be in vain and percieved as contrived and illusion, and even more reason to hold back. Press Releases. Assinine. Or are you afraid of You?
What you need to know is that though I may want, I do not Need to know. You do. And I feel that I could do anything to facilitate this if there Was anything for me to do. Like moth to candle, I am simple within my complications. One reaches a point where both tend to lose all meaning as words...so useless. If only I could find them, and the situation was right, then there Would be some reason for my presence. Quite frustrating.
Of course this is very likely A lesson in futility. I am and cannot help but be honest "to a fault" yet Appearances themselves can be decieving, and words cannot help but be lies by their very nature. So I listen.
Your perceptions should be acute enough to notice the changes. Be careful how you judge them. Curiousity is encouraged, although mine will likely be the end of me.
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